Nip/Tuck Episode 13 Review

Serious false advertising.

How do you name a show 'Reefer' without a hint of the green stuff?
Answer: Get a hobo off the street to play, go figure, a 420 friendly hobo. This guys hustlin' though, as he steals a Salvation Army collection bucket and cusses at rich people to guilt them into giving him enough money to cop more Jack. Isn't that what anyone working a 9-5 is really doing?

Sean's obvious reaction is to befriend this guy, guzzle some jack, and score him some hand-me-downs. Makes sense. Sadly for the hobo, befriending Sean means he ends up getting dominated by James (apparently French for - I'm a woman with a man's name) for his organs, except for his destroyed liver (take that woman pimp!).

Sean decides to spend all his time on the juice, which leads him to make a woman's g-spot too sensitive (really a problem??) and rationalize friending a hobo. Finally in a straight out of Bad Santa scene, Sean gets sauced before being Santa Claus at a charity fundraiser. He does however manage to score dome from a midget elf working there.

Random side note: Did Nip/Tuck seriously steal the 'angry girl storming into the street, gets hit by a bus' scene from Mean Girls girls a couple of episodes ago? That along with the Bad Santa scene are showing a serious lack of writing creativity. I mean, come on, that's almost as bad as ABC taking a Bill Murray movie and making a Taye Diggs show with it.

Christian, meanwhile, is re-united with his sexaholic ex-girlfriend's African-American son, who he apparently becomes legal guardian too, despite the fact that he in no way is related to the child. This relationship allows for quite possibly the most awkward televised statement this side of George W, when Michelle quips 'You didn't tell me he was black.' Well shit Christian.

Next week: James attempts to jack the kid's (seriously, you can't get a better name than Wilbur?) kidneys. Can't hate on a woman pimp for being entrepreneurial.

Chinese Riddle for Ya

Tastes like chicken? Or crack?

Further proof that wrestling alligators should be left to men in khaki get-ups.

This is literally the kind of shit that a high school newspaper puts in its April Fools edition. You couldn't script a goofier headline than Gator Attacks Naked Man on Crack. Priceless. This is a situation where you couldn't recreate this if you tried. You could put a dude on the banks of this lake, and give him like three eight balls, and you still couldn't produce this result. At the very least he might leave his clothes on, and really, if that's the case, this story isn't nearly as interesting. This is the perfect combination of all elements Americans love: nudity, drugs and animal attacks. This is like three different Fox specials wrapped into one.

If you're a morning news anchor, how in the hell do you tell this story with a straight face?

Baltimore's (Adopted) Native Son

Admit it. Barry Bonds would be a perfect fit for the Halloween Oreos, and the city of Baltimore as a whole. First off, its Baltimore, a city who currently is best known for a TV show that portrays how shitty it is. Maryland, a state that's so off, a campaign involving Mike Tyson almost got a senate seat. Mix in Barry's pharmaceutical habits and pleasant demeanor, and this is a match made in heaven.

As an aside, how exactly do you attract a free agent athlete to a place that used to be advertised as 'The City That Reads'? I'm sure the aquarium, and the homicide rate are both big selling points.

The once proud zerO's haven't exactly been power players in recent years, but this year they seem to be attempting a market splash to catch the Yankees and Red Sox. Nothing says dedication to winning like trading for a guy who was barely good enough for the back end of the Yankees rotation. Hey, if people are coming to the park to boo Barry, at least they're paying for tickets. And Miguel Tejada hasn't had line-up protection like this, ever. David Newhan? Give me a break.

If nothing else, Baltimore at least has practice celebrating an allegedly important career accomplishment. While no one may be happy to see Bonds break the home run record, at least the zerO's have experience in taping really large numbers to the warehouse in the outfield to countdown to breaking point. Cal Ripken's numbers may have been impressive, but there is a stark difference between impressive and important.

While many franchises have avoided or cleaned their roster of the smear that has been the steroids-era player, no greater haven has existed than the Camden's confines. Bonds can join such hallowed zerO's as Brady Anderson, Rafael Palmero, Jason Grimsley, Javy Lopez and Miguel 'B12' Tejada. The team gave SAMMY SOSA a contract. I don't know what was getting passed around during that ownership meeting, but it must have been strong. If Baltimorians can believe that a career .256 leadoff hitter can cleanly hit 50 homeruns in one year, they'll probably defend Barry even after his "If I Juiced, Here's How It Happened" book is published. Hell, somebody on the roster probably has a concoction that will keep Barry swinging into his early 50s.

Nip/Tuck Episode 12 Summary

So I guess im stealing from Byron Crawford with this, but I'm gonna try to do a weekly summary of Nip/Tuck episodes, you know, since the season is already halfway over. Everyone other show I watch is either getting the boot (The Nine), on hiatus (Lost) or funny enough on its own without me (The Office). So I didn't actually see Episode 12, but I figure the following is pretty accurate anyway:

So apparently part of the episode involved one of their one episode story arcs about a patient. This dude was not BALLIN and was way lonely since he was skank nasty or butt ugly or some ish. Anyways, Sean pimps his proverbial ride to make him less lonely. The FX summary calls this guy's request 'morbid', so I'm assuming the operation involved enhancing his junk. May he got some of them 40 cc nut implants like Berto did. Meanwhile, Christian proposed to Courtney (err Michelle) the gold-digging chick with the nice jubblies. However, since he messed with Lexi (err Kimber et. al) his fidelity and ability to remain in a monogomous relationship is questioned. All the while, James (the kidney stealing, woman pimp) is trying to use Sean & Christian's office as her kindey jacking headquarters.

This weeks episode is titled 'Reefer', so you know somebody's blazin'. I saw on the TV that they get a ham from Escobar Galarga or whatever the burned face dude's name is, so somebody probably stunts on that when they've got the munchies

This is the final proof I have way too much free time at work. We'll see how long this 'creative' burst of mine lasts. Hopefully I'm not the only one who finds myself funny/witty.